What If Your Child Wants to Go to School?
Advice From the Experts
In this issue...
Q: What Should You Do If Your Child Wants To Go To School?
A: We've asked the following homeschooling experts and authors for their advice (in alphabetical order):
* David Albert
* Susan Wise Bauer
* Dr. Matt James
* Pat Farenga
* Diane Flynn Keith
* Rebecca Kochenderfer
* Marilyn Mosley
* Win & Bill Sweet
Advice from David Albert
David H. Albert is a father, author, homeschooling speaker, and magazine columnist. His latest book is "Have Fun. Learn Stuff. Grow Homeschooling and the Curriculum of Love." His website is www.skylarksings.com.
"When they were young, I didn't let the kids touch the stove, run out in the street, or sample items from the medicine cabinet. I'll grant it is possible they might have learned from each of these experiences, but I didn't want to find out.
There were also things I didn't let them eat. It is possible they might have liked them, or seen other kids enjoying them, but I didn't want to deal with the bellyache in the morning, or the longer-term consequences of poor eating habits. I am, after all, the parent, and I get to make those decisions, based on my own experience and insight, both characteristics which I think it is unreasonable to expect a young child to possess. That's basically the way I think about school.
By the time they are 13 or 14, the kids know what my values are, and are (or should be) prepared, with help and love, to make some decisions about how and with whom they choose to spend some of their time. If together you decide on school, you make it clear that they will be expected to abide by (and you will enforce) the school's rules and expectations, even those with which you disagree.
But if the decision has come down to homeschooling versus school, you're missing something big. The developmental needs of early teens require ongoing engagement with the adult world � with mentors, apprenticeships, explorations of passions, dreams, and possibilities that go far beyond what one can and cannot learn in the restricted, mono-chronological world of the school environment where, for the most part, the blind are leading the blind.
School doesn't get them, or you, off the hook. In school or no, you are still the leading educator and advocate in your children's young lives, and life is too important to be left to a group of government-paid strangers, however well-meaning."
Advice From Susan Wise-Bauer
Susan is the author of "The Well-Trained Mind: A Guide to Classical Education at Home." She was home educated herself all the way through high school and currently homeschools four children, aged 6, 10, 14, and 16.
"There is no one-size-fits-all answer for this question; how you respond depends on the child's age, maturity, goals, your school options, your family...a whole multitude of considerations. Here are the things I would want to know:
How old is the child? Before age twelve or so, parents shouldn't be at all hesitant to make the decision that they think is best for the child. Young children may feel an immediate need to be in a crowd of friends, ride the school bus, play peewee football, or just do what everyone else on the block is doing--but these are all short-terms wants. You, the parent, have the child's long-term good in mind. Immaturity is the inability to look ahead towards long-term gain. Parents are mature; parents have the responsibility of guiding the child towards goals that the child can't yet see.
Once a child nears high school, their decision-making ability may begin to mature. A high school student should be allowed to have a voice in the decision. You may ultimately choose to override the student's wishes--but he or she should be given the chance to explain the reasons why school seems like a good thing. Parents should be willing to listen to those reasons and consider them carefully.
How long have you been home schooling? A ninth grader who has been home schooled since kindergarten may ask to go to school because it is an unknown--and the teenage years are times when children should begin to explore new situations. Sometimes, it may be the very best decision for both of you to let the student try out the classroom. Once the allure of the unknown is gone, students may find themselves much better equipped to evaluate the pros and cons of home vs. school. If on the other hand you've pulled a tenth-grader out of a toxic school situation, you shouldn't return him to a classroom just because he asks to go back. In that case, home schooling is the unknown--and the child should be willing to explore what home education is like instead of insisting on returning to a familiar situation.
Does the student need training that you can't provide? It may be that athletic talent, music or drama skills, or other particular talents need resources that a school can provide. If your budding football player has his heart set on playing college ball, this is a good reason to consider putting kids back in school.
Are you in a difficult family situation? There may be times of family illness or chaos where the child is in need of a more structured kind of schooling than you're able to give. The classroom might be a temporary solution.
These are all factors to consider--and of course are all dependent on the quality of schools that are in your local area. In the end, I would say: never make a decision to put a child back into school SOLELY because the child insists--always be able to articulate (to yourself and to the child) WHY you would decide to return to a formal school environment. And once you've made the decision that's best for you and your family, don't feel guilty. Home schooling is a wonderful choice, but there are situations and seasons in which it may not be the best choice for you and your child--and you shouldn't allow others to make you feel that you've 'failed.'"
Advice from Dr. Matt James
Matt is the author of "Homeschooling Odyssey" and is was our Advisor at Homeschool.com, answering hundreds of emails every month. Matt and his wife homeschooled their children until they were high school age. Then the children attended a public high school and eventually all five went on to Stanford.
"I would encourage them to talk about their desire, and then address the underlying wish. All kids, at a minimum, want to know about the places where their friends spend so much time. This is a legitimate curiosity. We would work with the child to satisfy his curiosity with part-time or interrupted attendance at a public or private school. When applicable, we would explain that the public schools just didn't deliver the sort of educational product we were looking for, and the private schools were difficult to afford.
Sometimes a child wanting to go to school is another way of their saying that homeschooling is boring or onerous. It always makes sense to make homeschooling more adventurous and more stimulating so the competition of institutional schooling doesn't look so good. I think the presence of institutional schooling keeps homeschooling honest.
When they reached high school age, our six kids really wanted to join the big parade. We were fortunate to have access to a throwback public high school where academic achievement was admired by the community and also by many of the high school kids themselves. Mixing with their peers in high school gave our kids the opportunity to develop lifetime social skills. They had a lot of fun in high school.
On the downside, the quality of academics was not comparable to good homeschooling. We always felt that literacy, the three R's, was accomplished during the elementary years. This is somewhat confirmed by SAT and PSAT scores, which don't seem to improve after the freshman year in high school. So we felt that weak high school academics were time wasting but not necessarily intellectually destructive. Maybe we were rationalizing.
It seems as if the public school environment gets a little worse every year. My wife currently teaches social studies at a local public high school, and she describes a classroom where so much time is wasted on dysfunctional students and behavioral problems. If we had to make a choice today, I don't think I could endorse attendance at this school. If we won the lottery, we might go for a good private high school. Otherwise, I would probably vote for a combination homeschooling experience involving work, junior college, and some classes from a homeschooling vendor."
Advice From Pat Farenga
Pat is President of Holt Associates Inc and Co-Author of "TEACH YOUR OWN."
"Allowing our children to attend school was among the most painful decisions we made as unschooling parents. Many friends, and even ourselves, felt that any exposure to school was dangerous. 'Better never than ever!' I thought I heard my friend John Holt say in my head as I thought about what to do. But as our three girls got older, each felt a strong curiosity towards school that my wife and I, who were not homeschooled, never experienced as children. This challenged our own perceptions and values about school and its role in our lives, and it forced us to recognize that allowing children choice in their education - who, what, when, and from whom they want to learn - can mean they may choose to attend school.
We talked with each of our girls about their reasons for wanting to go to school, and we made all sorts of arrangements to work with them to satisfy those reasons without sending them to school full-time. For instance, one girl just took Spanish class at our local public school, another attended community college for foreign language classes. However, at various points in their youth, each girl expressed a desire to try the total school experience, not just a class here and there. All our girls have followed different paths in and out of school throughout their lives, and we've grown to be comfortable with this by gaining trust in our girls' ability to make sound decisions about their learning.
When I revised TEACH YOUR OWN I was particularly struck by John Holt's response to this very question. John replied, 'This is a hard question. There is more than one good answer to it, and these often conflict.' Parents could argue, and some do, that since they believe that school can and probably will do their children deep and lasting harm, they have as much right to keep them out, even if they want to go, as they would to tell them they could not play on a pile of radioactive wastes.
This argument seems more weighty in the case of younger children, who could not be expected to understand how school might hurt them. If somewhat older children said determinedly and often, and for good reasons, that they really wanted to go to school, I would tend to say, let them go. How much older? What are good reasons? I don't know. A bad reason might be, 'The other kids tell me that at school lunch you can have chocolate milk.'"
Advice from Diane Flynn Keith
Diane is a popular homeschooling author and speaker. She is the editor of Homefires, author of Carschooling, founder of UniversalPreschool.com, and creator of ClickSchooling.
"The best strategy for figuring out what to do is to find out WHY your child wants to go to school. I've heard some frivolous and compelling reasons in my years of homeschooling from a child's simple wish to have a Shrek lunch box, to satisfying a teen's natural curiosity about what goes on at the local high school.
Once you know why, you can set about problem-solving. If your child wants a lunch box, take her down to Target and let her have her pick. Fill it with a PB&J sandwich, a bruised apple, room-temperature milk, and a Twinkie to get the full effect. Suggest your teen have a 'shadow experience' by following a friend around high school for a day. Many schools allow this practice. The student must get permission from the principal. Usually, it's as simple as filling out a short form or waiver. My own son shadowed a friend at Lord of the Flies High and it cured his 'I-want-to-go-to-school' hiccups.
Understanding the 'why,' and acknowledging your child's feelings as valid, will take you a long way in determining the best course of action for your own family. Oh, and one more thing. Don't let anyone guilt you into NOT doing what you know in your heart is best."
Advice from Rebecca Kochenderfer
Rebecca is Senior Editor of Homeschool.com and co-author of "Homeschooling for Success"
"I have been homeschooling for 16 years and my children have been in and out of school. I have three children and it amazes me how different they each are.
My son has always loved homeschooling but when he was about to start 7th grade I said to him, 'Your father and I chose homeschooling for you when you were younger because we believe it to be the best education available. But now it's time for you to choose.' We then took him to the different schools in our area � the public school, the Catholic school, the Waldorf school � so that he could see what they were like and we discussed the advantages and disadvantages of each. He chose to stay with homeschooling and it was amazing to see how much his homeschooling improved because HE had made the choice. He became so much more self-motivated and we didn't have to nag him to do his studies any more. A couple of years later, when he was about to start 9th grade, he decided that he wanted to see what high school was like. He was afraid that he wasn't good enough for high school and I didn't want him thinking that he was only doing homeschooling because he couldn't do anything else. So we encouraged him to try it for a year. He liked school just fine and did well, but described his experience as 'so much busy-ness for so little learning.' (Out of the mouths of babes...). He is now recommitted to homeschooling and I am pre-planning an awesome homeschooling graduation ceremony for him.
My youngest also loves homeschooling. She wanted to try school and so she attended 4th grade for half a year. But it was very stressful for her. Her teacher was very kind, but still my daughter was coming home from school crabby and with a stomach ache. She knew that homeschooling was a better fit for her, but she worried about losing her friends. So we spoke with her friends and their parents and we all reassured her that they would all stay friends, even if they went to school and she went back to homeschooling. This has worked out well and now she enjoys the best of both worlds � peaceful mornings to focus on the studies she loves and busy afternoons with her friends.
My middle daughter had a completely different experience with homeschooling. We homeschooled her up to 4th grade and she hated it. She was bored and restless no matter what we did. She was the first of our children to go to school. She had been begging us for years and finally we agreed that she could give school a try. She loved it. And still loves it today. I read somewhere that you can tell the difference between an introvert and an extrovert by how they recharge. Some people recharge their batteries by being by themselves and enjoying peace and quiet. My daughter recharges by being in a crowd. Homeschooling was draining for her and school is energizing for her. She starts high school this fall and we know she will love it. It's more challenging on our family life having her in school and we all have to work harder to make sure she doesn't feel left out. And we have to work harder to make sure that she has solid values and manners, but we are happy that she has found something she enjoys so much."
Advice from Marilyn Mosley Gordanier
Marilyn is the Executive Director and Founder of Laurel Springs School
"I began homeschooling my three children in December of 1983, when my youngest son, Raphael, made the request to learn at home. In the coming years, all three children homeschooled for varied periods of time uniquely adapted to their needs and goals. Raphael homeschooled from third through sixth grade, and again in high school; Michael for his last two years of elementary school and one semester of high school; and Ramaa, for seventh grade and almost all of high school. I discovered that each child homeschooled for different reasons, and no two years were alike. My youngest son homeschooled for the pure joy of spending time with his mom. My daughter homeschooled to fulfill her aspiration to become a movie/TV director.
To accommodate each child's needs, we held family meetings to discuss their educational options, which could include homeschooling, public school, or even private school. During grade school, we met twice a year, once in the summer and again during Christmas break (a year is a long time for a young child). This unique and unorthodox method gave my children the opportunity to discover that learning takes place in many environments; that they were an important part of the decision-making process; that they were committing to a specific time period; and, ultimately, it gave them a sense of self-determination. It also eliminated the mystique regarding going or not going to public school.
This process worked beautifully for our family. By the time my children reached high school, they were more settled into the schooling method that worked best for each of them. When all three later attended college, they made fantastic decisions regarding their college educations. One took a semester off to travel and then transfer to a different college; another to spend a semester working in the movie industry (Yes, my daughter is a successful commercial director.); and the third, to complete his Masters Degree in a dramatically different area of study. In each case, the trust we had built over the years was validated by their ability to make good decisions as emerging adults.
So, what should you do if your child asks to go to school? I recommend sitting down and 'talking about it.' Find out why your child wants to go to school. Open communication leads to self-discovery for every member of the family.
By the way, I've shared my experience with many Laurel Springs parents whose children wanted to 'try' pubic or private school. On some occasions, our students do opt to enroll in a public or private educational institution. Often this experimentation is short-lived, but sufficient to assure them they are very smart, highly motivated and, in many cases, getting a great education at home. Wishing you the very best in all you educational endeavors, Marilyn."
Advice From Win & Bill Sweet
Win and Bill are the authors of one of my all time favorite books on child raising, "Living Joyfully With Children"
"A child thrives in a joyful home that nurtures the child with confident parents as models and with as much freedom as the child can safely handle. When your child wants to go to school, the issue becomes, 'Can your child handle the conformity of school without losing much of her or his initiative and creativity?' Up to age 11, these emerging qualities are delicate and vulnerable; so a parent can firmly say, 'No, I am protecting you until you are old enough to keep your qualities safe.' After age 11, the brain can think logically and a child can begin to protect herself or himself by being discriminating. The question then becomes, 'Is my child's logical thinking and discriminating ability sufficiently developed to safely handle a school's pressure to conform?' In our experience with our children and grandchildren, being homeschooled up to age 11 is a great asset for safely dealing with school in the later childhood years. Honor your child's enthusiasm for life, and simply explain that other families may have different standards, but in your family you stand firmly on 'Safety First.'"
